Counting
Our Blessings
Thanksgiving 2000
Even though I don't usually set aside certain days to celebrate as holidays, I am nonetheless required to stand at the head of the Thanksgiving Dinner table every November and deliver a sensitive litany of those things for which the entire family should feel grateful and thankful.
Needless to say, the usual sentimental schmaltz like, "We have each other," or, "We have our health," has long worn itself thin, and is thereby totally useless for my purpose. From year to year I've had to get more creative, dipping into pop culture, late night TV, movies, politics and other current events for inspiration. It's harder than it sounds. Results have been mixed.
My tribute to Ronco and Popiel products was a real bust: No one was very thankful for the Vega-Matic or the Pocket Fisherman. They were equally unimpressed with my appreciation of Cal-Ban 3000, The Fat Trapper, and Exercise in a Bottle. In fact, the heavier gals actually growled at me, so I stopped before I got to Weight Watchers and Match-Makers International. My attempt to elicit thankfulness for Public Accountants and Bank Auditors was met with open contempt. Only a few people had any admiration for my list of Jim Varney's "Ernest" movies.
I always do best when I find something political for which we can all be grateful. We thanked God for Newt Gingrich, the Contract With America, and the Republican Revolution of 1994. We thanked God again for Ken Starr and the brave souls who voted to impeach Slick Willie. We held hands and prayed for Charlton Heston and the Second Amendment, a family united in their right to privately own and bear arms.
This year, we have an incredible set of near-miracles for which we can all be grateful. Thank You God, for these wonderful things:
Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson; from whom we've learned that most Leftists will happily tolerate their own racial hatred because it flows from blacks to whites. We've learned that all phony Liberal ministers are arrogant and divisive, incapable of displaying the very same peace, love, and tolerance they so angrily and impatiently demand from others. They show us that their true God is Liberalism, they show us the Good Hate in their hearts. Now we can see who they really are: hate-mongers, each and every one of them.
Hillary Clinton; from whose endless marital travails we have learned the Power of the Cuckold. From humiliation comes sympathy, and from sympathy comes power. Her devotion to Universal Liberalism is amplified every time Slick Willie craps on her devotion to His Great Self. She attacks her political enemies with the same bile and venom she feels toward her betrayer, turning sexual shame and rage into unwarranted cruelty toward her subordinates, inferiors, and betters. It's they who pay the price for her humiliation. People kneel and cower before her fury, they give her anything she wants for fear that she'll turn her sadist's eye on them next. She's a shining beacon for every maladjusted pinko feminazi sociologist man-hater on the planet. They love her because her mad lust for power springs from the endless pain and rage in her wounded, bleeding heart.
Lanny Davis and Rahm Emmanuel; from whom we have learned that while the services of Spin Doctors may come at a premium cost, these despicable wordsmiths never quit and their deceits last forever. Wherever there is Democratic moral turpitude which needs to be covered up, whenever a high-placed rapist/perjurer needs to be shielded from justice, however insulting and outlandish the lie that needs to be told, there are professional Information Criminals who will joyfully take up the task, spewing their noxious propaganda in every direction, polluting the Information Environment with the false and immoral contaminants so necessary for the ultimate and eternal triumph of their evil clients. When the last glowing ember of our Sun finally burns out, Lanny Davis and Rahm Emmanuel will be there, shouting to the cosmos that Bill Clinton never dropped his pants in front of Paula Jones, never had sex with Monica Lewinsky or Gennifer Flowers or Dolly Kyle Browning, that he never lied about anything in his life, and he certainly never committed perjury.
Molly Ivins' Breast Cancer; from which we learn that there is still some form of True Justice left in the World. After decades of heaping her brackish, diseased scorn on people guilty of nothing more than being clean and wholesome, the poison in her mind has finally become the poison in her body. Please Lord, give her leprosy too, that her horrible tongue might fall out, on TV, as a warning to her witless fans.
Thanks too, Lord, for The Death of Charles Ruff, Clinton sex-crimes and perjury defender in the Senate. Please, God, strike down all the rest of the people who defended the Rapist-in-Chief on the TV, in the halls and auditoriums of government, in the newspapers and magazines, and on the street. Then similarly destroy anyone who ever voted for such an evil man. Please lay waste to all the Liberals in one fell swoop.
And
finally, God, thank you most of all for Trilobyte Magazine and the
wonderful people who run it. Thank you for giving us a place where Liberals are
not welcome, where we can see them tarred, feathered, and horsewhipped to our
hearts' content. Thank you for those brave Combative Conservatives and
their mission to drive each and every Leftist from our country. Thank you for
their vision of a land without a single Liberal.